Way back when, as an undergraduate, I got roped into writing sports for the Harvard Independent , a weekly alternative to the Crimson.  At one point, exasperated by the writing with which I was occasionally confronted, I knocked out a satiric "Tips for Sportswriters."  The managing editor, Tim Matlack, took one look, snatched it from my hands, and said gleefully, "Let's run this."  (Back then, copy was sometimes hard to come by.)  Thirty years on, these tips still seem apropos.

Tips for Sportswriters (October 11-17, 1973)

David A. Smith

Recently the Independent has received inquiries wondering, typically, "How do you manage to produce the sterling copy that appears each week in your paper?" In response to this flood of letter, we hereby set forth the basic rules of sportswriting, as practiced (but not perfected) by sportswriters from Cambridge to Boston.

Mechanics

  1. Write it like a telegram. Avoid good grammar. And complete sentences.
  2. Repeat yourself (i.e., say things twice).
  3. Paraphrase someone and then quote him.
  4. Get names and places wrong.
  5. Ignore typographical eroors.
  6. Ask dumb questions during an interview.
  7. Better year, don't ask any.
  8. Quote sports figures word for, uh, whatever.
  9. Don't go to the event you write about —the wire reports can give you all the relevant facts.
  10. Call Harvard the Cantabs, grapplers, hoopsters, and so on.
  11. Use 'quipped' at least once.

Format

  1. Bombard the reader with statistics.
  2. Ignore sidelights — they're too confusing.
  3. Tell the story chronologically and superficially.
  4. Don't give any background.
  5. Make sure you tell every play of every game.
  6. Use clichés — people understand them.
  7. Be monotonandonous.

Style and content

  1. Make no judgments on your own. Repeat other people's wisdom.
  2. Never examine your team's polay critically.
  3. Focus only on the big name players.
  4. Take the excitement or drama out of the game.
  5. Alternatively, be trite.
  6. Write like a turd.
  7. String together short quotes to make long ones.
  8. Invent all short quotes.
  9. Be insensitive to the players' feelings —nobody cares what those dumb jocks think.
  10. Alibi for your team.
  11. Blame all losses on the referees or bad luck.
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ã Copyright 1973 David Alexander Smith